Career Day

When i was in 5th grade, we had what we fondly called "Career Day". You were allowed to come to school dressed up as what you wanted to be when we grew up. Well young Crystal dressed up in a pair of overalls, a olive green camp westminster shirt, hair in french braids and had a water bottle to tote around with me all day. What was I for career day you ask, why i was a JC Girl Counselor at Camp Westminster. Because as a 10 year old, the only thing i wanted to be when i "grew up" was a counselor who stacked dishes, cleared tables, called roll, dated the JC boys, and threw the candy in the canteen. It was all i really wanted.

Well here i am, 7 years later and i am living that dream. I am working my tail off at camp, living without air conditioning, sweating all the time, talking about race cars and barbies more than Prom and Graduation. And i am loving every single minute of it. God's presence has never been more real to me than it has this summer. His faithfulness, stength, his power and his grace. I cant even fathom how great he is. I am being taught so much through the girls that cross my path each week and through the other counselors. I'm so blessed to be where i am and to be doing what Im doing.

So yeah, my 10 year old self would be pleased and excited about this opportunity. BUt my 17 year old self is also so blessed and so excited about what God is teaching me. But the dishes, the clearing the tables, calling roll, throwing candy in the canteen and the JC Boys, havent been all bad either.

A sea of memories

today, i walked into the living room to see my sister, surrounded by about 5 pairs of shoes. All of them, being old pairs of both soccer and softball cleats. All used to be worn by me.

i watched her for a few minutes as she tried on pair after pair, looking for the perfect fit. And i felt a pang of sadness. i left, not able to watch her any longer. I went out to the back pourch and watched the thunder and lighting on the sky and memories overcame me. i never thought i would miss the feeling of the glove on my hand, or the sound of the bat making contact with the ball. The smell of the freshly cut fields or the anticipation of kick-off. And i wondered, what woudl it be like to still be enjoying and participation these activites.

its silly. Its not like i was any good at soccer, and i was only slightly above average at softball. i've always been an awkward athlete, but still, i sat there, wondering "what if". What if i was still apart of that cultish group called softball? (and i didnt even contemplate soccer, i know i was REAL bad at that. i mean REAL bad.) Would i be different? Would i have different friends? Would people still think of me as me?

And as i stood there, watcing the splendor of the sky and the storm, i stopped and knew, im where God wants me. I wanted to be an athlete so bad, for so long, and i dont even know why. And i know, now, that that is NOT what God wanted for me. He's using me in different ways, in different areas, preparing me for things that i he is going to do through me. And those things, do not involve me being the best softball or soccer player around. God's got something planned for me... and i cant wait to see what he has in store. And im so glad he decieded to take me along for the ride.

A 4 letter Word

Its May.

Which, for every Junior and Senior, is an intense and exciting month. In 4 quick weeks i will be a senior, leader of the school. In those 4 short weeks i will also become a counselor, sent to live without airconditioning and Tivo for 8 weeks. people willbe trusting their children to me. talk about scary, and yet im very, very excited about all of this. But there is one May event that has plagued me for sometime now. its foolish,a nd very worldly, and yet it has become the single thing that i dread and love equally. Prom.

Let me depict for you what i see in my mind: this event that entails putting on a dress thats just uncomfortable enough to make you look good, you put so much hairspray in your hair that the hole int he ozone layer grows, you drive to an over priced venue of your choice, all to what? wobble around on the floor to music with people who get crocked? yeah it sounds real stupid, and yet, i want to go so bad.

there of course is one thing that is desired of this event that i was kinda looking forward too.... the Date.
well, through several strange and unusual events... i ( along with my 2 very best friends) have ended up without said date. and i wont lie, i was pretty freakin bummed. So bummed it seemed to consume everything i said and did, and it got slighty embarassing. i even cried. im talking big alligator tears streaming down my face... all for what? a stupid dance and boy i dont even "like". yeah. im sooo 17.

i say all this because tonight i went to a friends house, to watch Grey's (anatomy) and these 2 friends are ones who had dates, adn they were the unconventional and strange date getters, that i must admit, i was jealous of. Well i was with these girls and we of course attacked the subject of Prom right off and i saw the look in one friend's eyes. The look said she was sorry for me, but simultaneously, the look showed me how excited she was. and trust me, when this girl is excited, you know it. and i sat there on her couch and knew, its ok. I dont need no stinkin boy to have a good time. its been said all along by multiple people, but tonight, i believed it.

so i will go. to Prom that is. ill put on my uncomfortable but gorgeous dress, ill go swimming in hairspray, ill let my father drive me to the over priced venue, ill dance awkawardly (though i will NOT be getting crocked, thanks) and i will have a good time. Cause you know what, its cool.

oh May.

A bottle of Emotion

im a dreamer, i always have been. i create scenarios in my mind, and practice conversations the whole deal, because i love imagining and thinking of what could be. but this seems to get me into trouble. because i am always creating what i think will happen in situations, i am often dissapointed by the true outcome. not because the outcome is bad, but its just not what i imagined it to be. its equally hard when the situation includes people you love and cherish and you are genuinely happy for them, just dissapointed for yourself.

its hard to separate emotions. and its hard to decide when its best to speak up and share what im feeling. i want to be honest. i want to be able to just say what i feel and not be afraid of being mocked or scorned. i want to be able to be comfortable with the perosn i have become in contrast to the person i was. I want to be happy, and not worry all the time. i wish i wasnt so cautious or afraid to take a step of faith. Im excited about an event, yet sad because it didnt turn out the way i wanted it to. Or im really siiked about a job, yet scared to death about leaving for an entire summer. I think too much, and not about constructive things, and usually too late at night.

I've had to grow up far too fast. though i've always been slightly more "mature" i wasnt old. now, im old. is it too late to go back? too late to return to nap time and recess, to coloring books and barbies? i want to go back to playing house, not living the role. i no longer make any sense. its time to turn out the lights, turn off the mind, and just rest. if that is even possible any more.

Ch-Ch-Changes

I've never dealt with changes very well. Never really had a need to learn how to change. Everything was basically the same for me up till now. Same elementary school, same house, same middle and high school, same room--Even the same bedroom set up since i was 10. I re-read the same books because i knew the ending and i hate watching different movies because i am always anxious to know what happens. But that all changed this year. It seems that while the NCCS' theme was "Seeking", my year long theme was "Changing". New House, New room set up, new bed, new dress code, new hair style, new glasses and of course the infamous new family/living arrangement. everything seemed to change. I changed.

i dont like change. and yet eveything, eventually changes. Next year i will be a senior. which means many things. New senior privelages, new plans, new study habits (ha) new class sechdule, new teachers. but it also means no jessie, no ellie. No praise team with Jake and Kaitlyn. no awkard moments with Lane George or snide comments by Mike. It means no more Scheck. It means I have to lead things. It means Costa Rica and Senior Retreat. its means graduation. It means leaving everything behind.

i dont think im quite ready for all this change. but its coming, fast. and while im super excited about those senior privelages... im also terrified of the unknown. i dont want things to change. i want the school and my friends and my life to stay the same, but still be allowed to grow up. I feel as if starting now, i start to say good bye. Good bye to the seniors and teachers i love. goodbye to the ones who i didnt always want to love. I start to say goodbye, and start preparing to be left behind.

growing up is hard work, but somebody has to do it.

Sand

i love spring break. its has officially been one of the greatest weeks of my life. i love it so much. Hilton head is beautiful, ive never been here so i couldnt know, but it is. Its all families, we bike everywhere, we sit and eat a meal together everynight (which is a big freakin deal for me.) Im looking qutie a bit darker than i started (some of it is due to the red sunburn i have,but thats beside the point) and of course there have been a few good looking boys to enjoy. :-]

i also love the beach. i always have. its beautiful and for me, it reminds me of dreaming. I love to dream and think and wonder adn at the beach it just reminds me to do that over and over again. And i have, all week, but i wont bore you with those details. But more than i love the beach, i love the sand. the soft kind, not the packed wet kind or the shell-y kind, but the loose, white soft kind. The kind that when you touch it, it feels like silk on your fingers. oh i love the way it feels between my fingers and toes, and i dont even mind the way it gets everywhere.

I love it for more than all that, i love it because it is consistant. Sand never changes, its always there. I can leave, and come back 5 minutes later, or 2 days, or 2 years and the sand is still there, still perfect to my touch. Sand is a gift for me. i dont have consistancy in my life and the sand is that for me. its been my escape this week. just go and sit at the beach and enjoy the sand. ive enjoyed the consistancy. unfortunately.... i only have one day left of this peace. but i plan on enjoying it.

Exhausted

I'm always emotiolly exhausted after days like today. it was an ok day, feild trip to see an ok play, ok pizza for lunch, and ok stroll around the Marietta Square, ok bus ride home, ok rehersal etc. nothing really exciting happened and nothing extremely bad happened. the day just was. my sisters and i went to my dad's/grandparents house for birthday celebrations and what have you and it was enjoyable. i was able to write a paper while being with my dad and sisters (and of course my onrey grandpa... but i love him). We laughed alot, which is not something strange or new.... we always have a good time together, the 6 of us. It seems that when were with dad and the gparents my sisters and i tolerate each other more, or atleast dont want to kill each other. we smile more, andi hear more about my sisters lives in those 2 hours than i do in 2 weeks. i love it. but then the inevitable always comes... leaving

we pack up whatever we brought with us to work on or do while we are there with dad, say goodbye and leave. its awful. we drive for a few minutes in silence, and then like clock work, i crank the radio and we rock. all 4 windows down, singing at the top of our lungs. its like emotional release for us, and unwinding. and yet i never fully unwind. i always end up thinking, remembering.

going to the grandparents house was always a sunday afternoon thing. go over for lunch, watch whatever sport was on that day, and crash untill dinner time. then we'd eat the left overs and head home. all 5 of us. the meal was much like the one we had tonight. laughter, jokes, stories. it was always so happy. and my mom was there. Not the person who is my mother now, but my mom. the real one.

she wasnt ever like this. she was around. she cooked. i told her things and trusted her with everything. i told her things i never would have told anyone else. she was my best friend. now i feel like i barely know her. and she's right here. stop trying so hard mom. just be yourself. loosen up, enjoy life. but dont forget who you are. dont forget us. I want to scream and just give her a piece of my mind, but i cant. i cant screw my sisters over like that. i have to wait. i have to be strong. i dont have a choice.

ever wish you could just go back? back to where i dont know. just back. i do. everyday i do.
sometimes im just too narcisstic.

I jump, you think

Tonight i walked in the rain, for about 40 minutes, alone. Which probably wasnt very smart seeing as im still kinda sick, and the dampness that comes from the rain isnt very good for the imune system. But I did it, and i must say it was relaxing. I was able to talk to a dear friend about some issues ive been having these past few days, and they gave me their opinion, and i value that. But as they talked i realized something.

I am an emotional girl.

Shocking i know. But come on, lets face it. Im 17, hormonal, crazy, complex, filled with issues and im fiercely independant. Put all these things together and your bound to have some slightly twisted emotions. Alot of time i make choices based on how i feel at that moment, and then i walk away and the feeling changes, yet im left with the before mention decision. And then, what do i have to do? Go and fix that which i did before. ANd alot of times it includes eating my words and even sometimes hurting people. Like myself.

i dont always think before i speak, or act for that matter. i just do. spontinaity is alluring, or so i hear. but this always seems to come back and get me. Why cant i just wait and let God do his thing FIRST. not jump in and then have the God lesson be taught. I have such a desire to learn and grow, and i just cant seem to get it right. Meaning i dont take the time to learn and grow. I expect it to just be poured into my head and my heart and that ill just live it. too bad it doesnt work that way. Im a nut case. i should be sent to the psych ward. too many issues, not enough battery charge on the mac.

I have the worst timing in the world. i should get an award.

Carpe Eternum

Tonight, on the way home from Megan Strange's house, i ran over a squirrel, i scram, very loud, though no one could hear me, and the squirrel died. i didnt cry. A year and a half ago, my great grandma Nesbitt died. She was close to 90, and fell asleep. i teared up but didnt cry. i loved my grandma, but she had lived a great life,a dn was ready to go. In december a childhood friend of mine died. She went in for an emergancy apendicitis, and the Doctor sliced her aorta. I cried for a few minutes. i hadnt seen her in years, and she died in china while serving her Mighty God. Last night Ross died. He died in his sleep at a party. I cried, very hard. For reasons beyond me.

I was never very good friends with Ross. We went to middle school together and had maybe one or two classes together. All i really knew about him was that he loved his mom and played a mean game of baseball. I knew he was unhappy. I remember in 8th grade, Keri and i went to every middle school baseball game and we cheered every guy on. Of course we had out favorties but every guy got cheered for. When Ross was at the plate Keri would scream "Ross!" and i followed close behind with "Coe" (Rosscoe was his full name). We made posters and his name was in green. Because i thought he needed a happy color, because he was unhappy.

the last time i saw Ross was at my Kroger. It was close to quitting time and he came in with 3 of his friends and they got some food and drinks and came through my line. I remember recognizing him and knowing exactally who he was. memories always come rushing back to me when i see people i havent seen in a while and the memories came that night. It was an odd experience, because i had full knowledge of who he was, and yet he didnt know who i was. His friends flirted, and i played the part of a good cashier. I watched him walk away and knew he wasnt happy. His eyes. they were so sad.

Tonight at the Bible study, Jessie mentioned "storing up treasures in heaven, instead of on earth" because that which is here is fleeting and it fades away, whereas the treasures in heaven are for eternity. And it made me think. We are not here for long. In the grand scheme of things, the 80 years we could spend here are a dot compared to the life we will live either in heaven or hell for eternity. Life is so fleeting. I have seen 2 kids my age die in the past 3 months and i wonder who is next? Who will God want to bring home next? Whose time is up? i know its morbid, but its so true. In God's time he will take us home. Cherish the moments, but dont live for the day. Seize not the day, but eternity. Carpe eternum. why live for th fleeting when you can live for that which never changes.

i wonder why ross was so sad. ill wonder what caused the sadness. he was too young to be that sad and bitter. Did he know he was loved? i certainly hope so. Of course On another side, life is also ever new. My sunday school teacher had a baby 2 weeks ago. My cousin just turned 3. Britt will be 15 next month. and my Maw Maw will be 94 in 3 weeks. Life is still going on, even admist the pain.

Rosscoe Lamar Tinsley.
"May the Lord bless you and keep you, may the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you, and give you peace." Numbers 6: 24-26

Valentines....

I hate Valentines Day.

I always have. From when i was in elementary school and we had to make "valentine mailboxes" and give valetines to everybody in the class to middle school when everybody sent those stinkin carnations to all your friends and i never got any and now i hate valentines because of the very fact i dont have a valentine and its just dumb.

Love. it comes in three different forms. Philia, Eros and Agape. Philia is that of a brotherly love, a friendship. Philedelphia if you will. Eros is that of a passionate, romanitc love-- the way a man loves his wife. Agape, the unconditional never changing love. The Philia love i have in surplus. I have quite possibly the best friends in the world, a precious (though all-bit dissfunctional) family, and the most incredible mentors. But i lack the eros love. that romantic love. I dont have a boyfriend. and i havent had one, But you know what, its ok. Cause there is something that i do have--Agape Love.

Though i dont have that earthly love that i so desire, i have alove more precious and incredible than any other. I have a redeeming love, a saving grace. I have a Heavenly Father who loves me for who i am. He loves me even admist my sin. Even when i screw up over and over and over again, my God still loves me. And that will never chnge. HIs love is constant and perfect and completely undeserved. But he loves me.

So im missing that Eros love.... one day it will come. and until then i will cherish those that love me Philia and and the One who loves me Agape. He sent me a valentine... Jesus Christ, his son. to die for me and my sins. For that i love him and live for him alone.

But i still hate valentines.... just maybe not as much... ;-]

How Long, O Lord?

"How long, O Lord? will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts?
and everyday have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes or i will sleep in death.
my enemy will say, 'i have overcome him'
and my fores will rejoice when i fall..."
Psalm 13:1-4

Though these are the words of the mighty King David, i borrowed them because lately i have felt this way in my life. I have asked God the question: "How Long?". How long am i supposed to suffer and be sad? How long do i have to mour? How Long until the hurt goes away? Or How long until the respect i desire is gained? How long until people understand? How long must i wait for the answers i so desire?

I whine alot. i do, and I admit it. Though i hate that i do, because i hate whiners. I think its pretty childish and immature, and i like to think of myself as slighty above childish and a little more mature than that of whiners. And yet i seem to do that which i dont like alot. Which makes me even more aggervated. And i think that it makes me aggervated is because i am quite prideful, and i like to think of myself as the girl that can handle anything... which i definately not the case. In fact, im fairly weak. And by whining and complaining i think it makes me just that much weaker. I dont want to be weak. I WANT to be strong and tough and ready to take on the world. But im not.

For a long time i thought that, being strong and tough is what God commanded from me. That he wanted me to be this great wall of support for my sisters and my parents and friends. I thought he wanted me to be able to do all of that and still maintain that of a life style of a slightly less insane individual. And i still think he has, i think he has placed me in a postion where i can be a support system for my friends and family... but only with his help.

See what i thought i couldnt do was go to God and ask him the questions that plague my heart and mind constantly. i thought that by saying those things that i was showing my distrust or my incompetance, and the last thing i wanted was to be unable to be used by God. But i was so wrong.

Because im a good Baptist girl, i go to Sunday School, and today we studied Pslam 13 and the cry of David's heart. And here he is, this strong and mighty king, and man after God's own heart, crying out to God saying "how long". And i realized, David loved God with all of his heart and mind and soul, and he lived for him daily, and yes he did have his mistakes and mess ups becasue he was human, but to the best of his ability he served and followed God. And yet, he still questioned the extent of his sufferings.

Im not saying that me and King David are one and the same, cause well... put us on trial and im sure he'd win. But if even he questioned God, then i can too. What i learned is that God knows my heart. He knows that i struggle and suffer, and that i dont always feel competant for the job that i feel he has called me to do, and yet he still puts me in positons to do that which i feel i am not good at. What i learned is that Trusting God with my worries and questions is what he wants me to do, i just also need ot trust him to do what he has planned for my life.

It seems, that trust is that which God is teaching me about most right now. And ultimatly i must trust in God and i trust in his plan. Though my answers dont always come, or not in the way and matter that i would want them to come, they will come and God's unfailing love will never change for me.

"...BUT I trust in your unfailing Love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for HE has been good to me."
Psalm 13:5-6

Hope and Great Expectations

Does Hope entail Expectations?

We were talking in sunday school today anbout Psalms 109 and the emotions and feelings that King David was dealing with when we stumbled upon a question: Does Hope require expectations? or can you be hopeful without any expectations? and better yet can you have expectations without any hope? its mind boggling to think about. When you are hopeful, you expect something to happen, even if what happens doesnt align with you want. example: I want to be cast as Juliette in Romeo and Juliette. i hope that i will be casted and i expect that someone will be casted as Juliette. Hope and Expectations. Now the part of Juliette may go to Julia ROberts, but that is still a reponse to what i wanted. My expectations were met: someone was casted, but my hopes were not: i didnt get the part. The question on the table is how do we tell the difference between the 2? And if they are 2 different things then can we have one without the other? And if we cant then why do we differentiate the 2? Its been plauging my mind all day, and im sure it will continue, at least until im statisfied with an answer. :-]