Career Day

When i was in 5th grade, we had what we fondly called "Career Day". You were allowed to come to school dressed up as what you wanted to be when we grew up. Well young Crystal dressed up in a pair of overalls, a olive green camp westminster shirt, hair in french braids and had a water bottle to tote around with me all day. What was I for career day you ask, why i was a JC Girl Counselor at Camp Westminster. Because as a 10 year old, the only thing i wanted to be when i "grew up" was a counselor who stacked dishes, cleared tables, called roll, dated the JC boys, and threw the candy in the canteen. It was all i really wanted.

Well here i am, 7 years later and i am living that dream. I am working my tail off at camp, living without air conditioning, sweating all the time, talking about race cars and barbies more than Prom and Graduation. And i am loving every single minute of it. God's presence has never been more real to me than it has this summer. His faithfulness, stength, his power and his grace. I cant even fathom how great he is. I am being taught so much through the girls that cross my path each week and through the other counselors. I'm so blessed to be where i am and to be doing what Im doing.

So yeah, my 10 year old self would be pleased and excited about this opportunity. BUt my 17 year old self is also so blessed and so excited about what God is teaching me. But the dishes, the clearing the tables, calling roll, throwing candy in the canteen and the JC Boys, havent been all bad either.

A sea of memories

today, i walked into the living room to see my sister, surrounded by about 5 pairs of shoes. All of them, being old pairs of both soccer and softball cleats. All used to be worn by me.

i watched her for a few minutes as she tried on pair after pair, looking for the perfect fit. And i felt a pang of sadness. i left, not able to watch her any longer. I went out to the back pourch and watched the thunder and lighting on the sky and memories overcame me. i never thought i would miss the feeling of the glove on my hand, or the sound of the bat making contact with the ball. The smell of the freshly cut fields or the anticipation of kick-off. And i wondered, what woudl it be like to still be enjoying and participation these activites.

its silly. Its not like i was any good at soccer, and i was only slightly above average at softball. i've always been an awkward athlete, but still, i sat there, wondering "what if". What if i was still apart of that cultish group called softball? (and i didnt even contemplate soccer, i know i was REAL bad at that. i mean REAL bad.) Would i be different? Would i have different friends? Would people still think of me as me?

And as i stood there, watcing the splendor of the sky and the storm, i stopped and knew, im where God wants me. I wanted to be an athlete so bad, for so long, and i dont even know why. And i know, now, that that is NOT what God wanted for me. He's using me in different ways, in different areas, preparing me for things that i he is going to do through me. And those things, do not involve me being the best softball or soccer player around. God's got something planned for me... and i cant wait to see what he has in store. And im so glad he decieded to take me along for the ride.

A 4 letter Word

Its May.

Which, for every Junior and Senior, is an intense and exciting month. In 4 quick weeks i will be a senior, leader of the school. In those 4 short weeks i will also become a counselor, sent to live without airconditioning and Tivo for 8 weeks. people willbe trusting their children to me. talk about scary, and yet im very, very excited about all of this. But there is one May event that has plagued me for sometime now. its foolish,a nd very worldly, and yet it has become the single thing that i dread and love equally. Prom.

Let me depict for you what i see in my mind: this event that entails putting on a dress thats just uncomfortable enough to make you look good, you put so much hairspray in your hair that the hole int he ozone layer grows, you drive to an over priced venue of your choice, all to what? wobble around on the floor to music with people who get crocked? yeah it sounds real stupid, and yet, i want to go so bad.

there of course is one thing that is desired of this event that i was kinda looking forward too.... the Date.
well, through several strange and unusual events... i ( along with my 2 very best friends) have ended up without said date. and i wont lie, i was pretty freakin bummed. So bummed it seemed to consume everything i said and did, and it got slighty embarassing. i even cried. im talking big alligator tears streaming down my face... all for what? a stupid dance and boy i dont even "like". yeah. im sooo 17.

i say all this because tonight i went to a friends house, to watch Grey's (anatomy) and these 2 friends are ones who had dates, adn they were the unconventional and strange date getters, that i must admit, i was jealous of. Well i was with these girls and we of course attacked the subject of Prom right off and i saw the look in one friend's eyes. The look said she was sorry for me, but simultaneously, the look showed me how excited she was. and trust me, when this girl is excited, you know it. and i sat there on her couch and knew, its ok. I dont need no stinkin boy to have a good time. its been said all along by multiple people, but tonight, i believed it.

so i will go. to Prom that is. ill put on my uncomfortable but gorgeous dress, ill go swimming in hairspray, ill let my father drive me to the over priced venue, ill dance awkawardly (though i will NOT be getting crocked, thanks) and i will have a good time. Cause you know what, its cool.

oh May.

A bottle of Emotion

im a dreamer, i always have been. i create scenarios in my mind, and practice conversations the whole deal, because i love imagining and thinking of what could be. but this seems to get me into trouble. because i am always creating what i think will happen in situations, i am often dissapointed by the true outcome. not because the outcome is bad, but its just not what i imagined it to be. its equally hard when the situation includes people you love and cherish and you are genuinely happy for them, just dissapointed for yourself.

its hard to separate emotions. and its hard to decide when its best to speak up and share what im feeling. i want to be honest. i want to be able to just say what i feel and not be afraid of being mocked or scorned. i want to be able to be comfortable with the perosn i have become in contrast to the person i was. I want to be happy, and not worry all the time. i wish i wasnt so cautious or afraid to take a step of faith. Im excited about an event, yet sad because it didnt turn out the way i wanted it to. Or im really siiked about a job, yet scared to death about leaving for an entire summer. I think too much, and not about constructive things, and usually too late at night.

I've had to grow up far too fast. though i've always been slightly more "mature" i wasnt old. now, im old. is it too late to go back? too late to return to nap time and recess, to coloring books and barbies? i want to go back to playing house, not living the role. i no longer make any sense. its time to turn out the lights, turn off the mind, and just rest. if that is even possible any more.

Ch-Ch-Changes

I've never dealt with changes very well. Never really had a need to learn how to change. Everything was basically the same for me up till now. Same elementary school, same house, same middle and high school, same room--Even the same bedroom set up since i was 10. I re-read the same books because i knew the ending and i hate watching different movies because i am always anxious to know what happens. But that all changed this year. It seems that while the NCCS' theme was "Seeking", my year long theme was "Changing". New House, New room set up, new bed, new dress code, new hair style, new glasses and of course the infamous new family/living arrangement. everything seemed to change. I changed.

i dont like change. and yet eveything, eventually changes. Next year i will be a senior. which means many things. New senior privelages, new plans, new study habits (ha) new class sechdule, new teachers. but it also means no jessie, no ellie. No praise team with Jake and Kaitlyn. no awkard moments with Lane George or snide comments by Mike. It means no more Scheck. It means I have to lead things. It means Costa Rica and Senior Retreat. its means graduation. It means leaving everything behind.

i dont think im quite ready for all this change. but its coming, fast. and while im super excited about those senior privelages... im also terrified of the unknown. i dont want things to change. i want the school and my friends and my life to stay the same, but still be allowed to grow up. I feel as if starting now, i start to say good bye. Good bye to the seniors and teachers i love. goodbye to the ones who i didnt always want to love. I start to say goodbye, and start preparing to be left behind.

growing up is hard work, but somebody has to do it.

Sand

i love spring break. its has officially been one of the greatest weeks of my life. i love it so much. Hilton head is beautiful, ive never been here so i couldnt know, but it is. Its all families, we bike everywhere, we sit and eat a meal together everynight (which is a big freakin deal for me.) Im looking qutie a bit darker than i started (some of it is due to the red sunburn i have,but thats beside the point) and of course there have been a few good looking boys to enjoy. :-]

i also love the beach. i always have. its beautiful and for me, it reminds me of dreaming. I love to dream and think and wonder adn at the beach it just reminds me to do that over and over again. And i have, all week, but i wont bore you with those details. But more than i love the beach, i love the sand. the soft kind, not the packed wet kind or the shell-y kind, but the loose, white soft kind. The kind that when you touch it, it feels like silk on your fingers. oh i love the way it feels between my fingers and toes, and i dont even mind the way it gets everywhere.

I love it for more than all that, i love it because it is consistant. Sand never changes, its always there. I can leave, and come back 5 minutes later, or 2 days, or 2 years and the sand is still there, still perfect to my touch. Sand is a gift for me. i dont have consistancy in my life and the sand is that for me. its been my escape this week. just go and sit at the beach and enjoy the sand. ive enjoyed the consistancy. unfortunately.... i only have one day left of this peace. but i plan on enjoying it.

Exhausted

I'm always emotiolly exhausted after days like today. it was an ok day, feild trip to see an ok play, ok pizza for lunch, and ok stroll around the Marietta Square, ok bus ride home, ok rehersal etc. nothing really exciting happened and nothing extremely bad happened. the day just was. my sisters and i went to my dad's/grandparents house for birthday celebrations and what have you and it was enjoyable. i was able to write a paper while being with my dad and sisters (and of course my onrey grandpa... but i love him). We laughed alot, which is not something strange or new.... we always have a good time together, the 6 of us. It seems that when were with dad and the gparents my sisters and i tolerate each other more, or atleast dont want to kill each other. we smile more, andi hear more about my sisters lives in those 2 hours than i do in 2 weeks. i love it. but then the inevitable always comes... leaving

we pack up whatever we brought with us to work on or do while we are there with dad, say goodbye and leave. its awful. we drive for a few minutes in silence, and then like clock work, i crank the radio and we rock. all 4 windows down, singing at the top of our lungs. its like emotional release for us, and unwinding. and yet i never fully unwind. i always end up thinking, remembering.

going to the grandparents house was always a sunday afternoon thing. go over for lunch, watch whatever sport was on that day, and crash untill dinner time. then we'd eat the left overs and head home. all 5 of us. the meal was much like the one we had tonight. laughter, jokes, stories. it was always so happy. and my mom was there. Not the person who is my mother now, but my mom. the real one.

she wasnt ever like this. she was around. she cooked. i told her things and trusted her with everything. i told her things i never would have told anyone else. she was my best friend. now i feel like i barely know her. and she's right here. stop trying so hard mom. just be yourself. loosen up, enjoy life. but dont forget who you are. dont forget us. I want to scream and just give her a piece of my mind, but i cant. i cant screw my sisters over like that. i have to wait. i have to be strong. i dont have a choice.

ever wish you could just go back? back to where i dont know. just back. i do. everyday i do.
sometimes im just too narcisstic.