im a dreamer, i always have been. i create scenarios in my mind, and practice conversations the whole deal, because i love imagining and thinking of what could be. but this seems to get me into trouble. because i am always creating what i think will happen in situations, i am often dissapointed by the true outcome. not because the outcome is bad, but its just not what i imagined it to be. its equally hard when the situation includes people you love and cherish and you are genuinely happy for them, just dissapointed for yourself.
its hard to separate emotions. and its hard to decide when its best to speak up and share what im feeling. i want to be honest. i want to be able to just say what i feel and not be afraid of being mocked or scorned. i want to be able to be comfortable with the perosn i have become in contrast to the person i was. I want to be happy, and not worry all the time. i wish i wasnt so cautious or afraid to take a step of faith. Im excited about an event, yet sad because it didnt turn out the way i wanted it to. Or im really siiked about a job, yet scared to death about leaving for an entire summer. I think too much, and not about constructive things, and usually too late at night.
I've had to grow up far too fast. though i've always been slightly more "mature" i wasnt old. now, im old. is it too late to go back? too late to return to nap time and recess, to coloring books and barbies? i want to go back to playing house, not living the role. i no longer make any sense. its time to turn out the lights, turn off the mind, and just rest. if that is even possible any more.
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Thanks for the note on my windshield today... you, my friend, are a shining bight spot in my life.
It's funny... I understand a lot from your last two posts. Change and the fear as well as the excitement that comes with it. Take heart. You'll be fine, you'll handle it well - even if you believe the opposite. :)
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