Exhausted

I'm always emotiolly exhausted after days like today. it was an ok day, feild trip to see an ok play, ok pizza for lunch, and ok stroll around the Marietta Square, ok bus ride home, ok rehersal etc. nothing really exciting happened and nothing extremely bad happened. the day just was. my sisters and i went to my dad's/grandparents house for birthday celebrations and what have you and it was enjoyable. i was able to write a paper while being with my dad and sisters (and of course my onrey grandpa... but i love him). We laughed alot, which is not something strange or new.... we always have a good time together, the 6 of us. It seems that when were with dad and the gparents my sisters and i tolerate each other more, or atleast dont want to kill each other. we smile more, andi hear more about my sisters lives in those 2 hours than i do in 2 weeks. i love it. but then the inevitable always comes... leaving

we pack up whatever we brought with us to work on or do while we are there with dad, say goodbye and leave. its awful. we drive for a few minutes in silence, and then like clock work, i crank the radio and we rock. all 4 windows down, singing at the top of our lungs. its like emotional release for us, and unwinding. and yet i never fully unwind. i always end up thinking, remembering.

going to the grandparents house was always a sunday afternoon thing. go over for lunch, watch whatever sport was on that day, and crash untill dinner time. then we'd eat the left overs and head home. all 5 of us. the meal was much like the one we had tonight. laughter, jokes, stories. it was always so happy. and my mom was there. Not the person who is my mother now, but my mom. the real one.

she wasnt ever like this. she was around. she cooked. i told her things and trusted her with everything. i told her things i never would have told anyone else. she was my best friend. now i feel like i barely know her. and she's right here. stop trying so hard mom. just be yourself. loosen up, enjoy life. but dont forget who you are. dont forget us. I want to scream and just give her a piece of my mind, but i cant. i cant screw my sisters over like that. i have to wait. i have to be strong. i dont have a choice.

ever wish you could just go back? back to where i dont know. just back. i do. everyday i do.
sometimes im just too narcisstic.