A bottle of Emotion

im a dreamer, i always have been. i create scenarios in my mind, and practice conversations the whole deal, because i love imagining and thinking of what could be. but this seems to get me into trouble. because i am always creating what i think will happen in situations, i am often dissapointed by the true outcome. not because the outcome is bad, but its just not what i imagined it to be. its equally hard when the situation includes people you love and cherish and you are genuinely happy for them, just dissapointed for yourself.

its hard to separate emotions. and its hard to decide when its best to speak up and share what im feeling. i want to be honest. i want to be able to just say what i feel and not be afraid of being mocked or scorned. i want to be able to be comfortable with the perosn i have become in contrast to the person i was. I want to be happy, and not worry all the time. i wish i wasnt so cautious or afraid to take a step of faith. Im excited about an event, yet sad because it didnt turn out the way i wanted it to. Or im really siiked about a job, yet scared to death about leaving for an entire summer. I think too much, and not about constructive things, and usually too late at night.

I've had to grow up far too fast. though i've always been slightly more "mature" i wasnt old. now, im old. is it too late to go back? too late to return to nap time and recess, to coloring books and barbies? i want to go back to playing house, not living the role. i no longer make any sense. its time to turn out the lights, turn off the mind, and just rest. if that is even possible any more.

Ch-Ch-Changes

I've never dealt with changes very well. Never really had a need to learn how to change. Everything was basically the same for me up till now. Same elementary school, same house, same middle and high school, same room--Even the same bedroom set up since i was 10. I re-read the same books because i knew the ending and i hate watching different movies because i am always anxious to know what happens. But that all changed this year. It seems that while the NCCS' theme was "Seeking", my year long theme was "Changing". New House, New room set up, new bed, new dress code, new hair style, new glasses and of course the infamous new family/living arrangement. everything seemed to change. I changed.

i dont like change. and yet eveything, eventually changes. Next year i will be a senior. which means many things. New senior privelages, new plans, new study habits (ha) new class sechdule, new teachers. but it also means no jessie, no ellie. No praise team with Jake and Kaitlyn. no awkard moments with Lane George or snide comments by Mike. It means no more Scheck. It means I have to lead things. It means Costa Rica and Senior Retreat. its means graduation. It means leaving everything behind.

i dont think im quite ready for all this change. but its coming, fast. and while im super excited about those senior privelages... im also terrified of the unknown. i dont want things to change. i want the school and my friends and my life to stay the same, but still be allowed to grow up. I feel as if starting now, i start to say good bye. Good bye to the seniors and teachers i love. goodbye to the ones who i didnt always want to love. I start to say goodbye, and start preparing to be left behind.

growing up is hard work, but somebody has to do it.

Sand

i love spring break. its has officially been one of the greatest weeks of my life. i love it so much. Hilton head is beautiful, ive never been here so i couldnt know, but it is. Its all families, we bike everywhere, we sit and eat a meal together everynight (which is a big freakin deal for me.) Im looking qutie a bit darker than i started (some of it is due to the red sunburn i have,but thats beside the point) and of course there have been a few good looking boys to enjoy. :-]

i also love the beach. i always have. its beautiful and for me, it reminds me of dreaming. I love to dream and think and wonder adn at the beach it just reminds me to do that over and over again. And i have, all week, but i wont bore you with those details. But more than i love the beach, i love the sand. the soft kind, not the packed wet kind or the shell-y kind, but the loose, white soft kind. The kind that when you touch it, it feels like silk on your fingers. oh i love the way it feels between my fingers and toes, and i dont even mind the way it gets everywhere.

I love it for more than all that, i love it because it is consistant. Sand never changes, its always there. I can leave, and come back 5 minutes later, or 2 days, or 2 years and the sand is still there, still perfect to my touch. Sand is a gift for me. i dont have consistancy in my life and the sand is that for me. its been my escape this week. just go and sit at the beach and enjoy the sand. ive enjoyed the consistancy. unfortunately.... i only have one day left of this peace. but i plan on enjoying it.