Exhausted

I'm always emotiolly exhausted after days like today. it was an ok day, feild trip to see an ok play, ok pizza for lunch, and ok stroll around the Marietta Square, ok bus ride home, ok rehersal etc. nothing really exciting happened and nothing extremely bad happened. the day just was. my sisters and i went to my dad's/grandparents house for birthday celebrations and what have you and it was enjoyable. i was able to write a paper while being with my dad and sisters (and of course my onrey grandpa... but i love him). We laughed alot, which is not something strange or new.... we always have a good time together, the 6 of us. It seems that when were with dad and the gparents my sisters and i tolerate each other more, or atleast dont want to kill each other. we smile more, andi hear more about my sisters lives in those 2 hours than i do in 2 weeks. i love it. but then the inevitable always comes... leaving

we pack up whatever we brought with us to work on or do while we are there with dad, say goodbye and leave. its awful. we drive for a few minutes in silence, and then like clock work, i crank the radio and we rock. all 4 windows down, singing at the top of our lungs. its like emotional release for us, and unwinding. and yet i never fully unwind. i always end up thinking, remembering.

going to the grandparents house was always a sunday afternoon thing. go over for lunch, watch whatever sport was on that day, and crash untill dinner time. then we'd eat the left overs and head home. all 5 of us. the meal was much like the one we had tonight. laughter, jokes, stories. it was always so happy. and my mom was there. Not the person who is my mother now, but my mom. the real one.

she wasnt ever like this. she was around. she cooked. i told her things and trusted her with everything. i told her things i never would have told anyone else. she was my best friend. now i feel like i barely know her. and she's right here. stop trying so hard mom. just be yourself. loosen up, enjoy life. but dont forget who you are. dont forget us. I want to scream and just give her a piece of my mind, but i cant. i cant screw my sisters over like that. i have to wait. i have to be strong. i dont have a choice.

ever wish you could just go back? back to where i dont know. just back. i do. everyday i do.
sometimes im just too narcisstic.

I jump, you think

Tonight i walked in the rain, for about 40 minutes, alone. Which probably wasnt very smart seeing as im still kinda sick, and the dampness that comes from the rain isnt very good for the imune system. But I did it, and i must say it was relaxing. I was able to talk to a dear friend about some issues ive been having these past few days, and they gave me their opinion, and i value that. But as they talked i realized something.

I am an emotional girl.

Shocking i know. But come on, lets face it. Im 17, hormonal, crazy, complex, filled with issues and im fiercely independant. Put all these things together and your bound to have some slightly twisted emotions. Alot of time i make choices based on how i feel at that moment, and then i walk away and the feeling changes, yet im left with the before mention decision. And then, what do i have to do? Go and fix that which i did before. ANd alot of times it includes eating my words and even sometimes hurting people. Like myself.

i dont always think before i speak, or act for that matter. i just do. spontinaity is alluring, or so i hear. but this always seems to come back and get me. Why cant i just wait and let God do his thing FIRST. not jump in and then have the God lesson be taught. I have such a desire to learn and grow, and i just cant seem to get it right. Meaning i dont take the time to learn and grow. I expect it to just be poured into my head and my heart and that ill just live it. too bad it doesnt work that way. Im a nut case. i should be sent to the psych ward. too many issues, not enough battery charge on the mac.

I have the worst timing in the world. i should get an award.