Control. i struggle with this ALOT. Control freak Crystal, as my sister likes to call it. The idea of being in control of my life powers me, it shapes who I am. I like to drive because it means i can rely on MYSELF to get to where i need to be, when i need to be. I like to read because I can figure things out for myself. I like my job at Kroger because it means that I am the one in charge, I'e the one ficing the problems when they occur. I realized all this and got shockingly scared.
I realized lately that i have a problem dealing with situations that i absolutely cannot control. And this sis because for my entire life i have been in control, and if i wasnt in control, it wasnt very long until i got in control. but now, now im facing a point in my life where even if i wanted to be in control, i cant, because allthough the situation effects me entirely, i have NOTHING to do with it. I cannot look at my parents, decifer the problem and put the crumbled foundation of their relationship back together. i cant, because it doenst involve me. I am NOT in control. yikes.
But this is where the contradiciton and the complexities of Crystal occurs. I dont WANT to be in control. I want the control to be in God's hands. i mean its like choosing betweena senior in high school take the SAT or letting a 3 year-old take it for the senior. It should be a no brainer to let God be in control of my life, allowing Him to work and move in my life, letting Him deal with the problems and choices of the people around me, instead of me. He is the senior, I am the 3-year-old. But for some reason, i just keep taking that control back. Even when i know its no good.
I dont want to be dealing with all of the **four-letter-word-that-shall-not-be-spoken** that is occuring in my life right now, but i am. And God is putting me through this right now because He has a better plan than I. And His plan will be put to action. with or without my help. SO perhaps He is putting me through the Fire to make me stronger, or perhaps to cause me to rely on Him more, or perhaps it is simply to show me that I cant do it alone. who knows? He does, and one day I will too. It just may not be this side of Heaven.
4 comments:
thanks, crys. A LOT.
if you ever want to talk about God's control, let me know. we'll go out for starbucks or something. seriously, though. He's taught me a thing or two about being the three year old.
trust. me.
you can control that.
hello, beautiful. if you ever feel as if you need someone to talk to- i know you have so many people who love you- but if for whatever reason you feel lonely, call me or send me a message. i would be so happy to listen to you, be there for you, if you ever need anything. i love you!
-julie, official queen of smut
You are such a strong young lady for seeing this now, and working on it, and giving God the control. The comment you made about putting you in the first just a little bit longer is so true, but the best part is that God is constantly there.
Malachi 3:3. The beauty of the passage is what comes along with it. If the silversmith doesn't sit there and watch the silver it will ruin. The silversmith has to sit at the fire and watch the silver until it is absolutely perfect. God is our silversmith, He never leaves us and is constantly watching us.
Crystal, you are such a beautiful young lady... I'm praying for you!
God Bless
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