Christmas has for a long time, my life basically, been one of my favorite times of the year. Not just for the presents and for the trees and the holiday hype Hallmark came up with (even though that stuff is fun in itself.) but it was always a time, that no matter what, my family threw out all of the crap that was going on in our lives and just relaxed, we had fun, ate food, laughed and enjoyed each others company. it was indeed a holly jolly time in the Nesbitt household. But this Christmas was... strange.
with everything that has been going on lately, i was bound to cry at some point. it was hard, leaving Christmas morning with my sisters and my PIMP ride loaded with our "overnight bags" to go spend the night with my dad. it was hard knowing the food she was cooking wasnt for our Christmas dinner, but for the Christmas dinner she was going to enjoy with her friends or whoever. Yes Christmas was wonderful, and i love my cousins and my grandparents and my dad, but something was off this year. Mom and Dad arent together anymore. the life of being one of the "divorcee kids" begins now.
As of January 1st, 2007, all my dad has to do is sign a paper that completely nullifys what would be 20 years of marriage (on jan 17th no less...). i used to pity those whos life was weekend to weekend switching between parents and now, look here i am. i come home wondering if i need to pack for the night at dad's or if i get to stay at my house. i wish i could describe the feelings i, er, feel. but i cant. and actually i dont think you want to know. lets just say it sucks. ALOT. i hate it alot, but there isnt anything i can do. get me through this hell of a a year and 1/2 and then im out. please dear God, get me through this...
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
Other things got in the way as well...
i wish i had something profound to say. something that i've learned resently or something God has revealed to me. But i dont. Life has actually been mellow resently and i cant say i mind it so much. After you're thrown into utter chaos for 6 months, to slow down and not worry is a nice thing. This isnt to say all my problems have been solved, or that they are better, but i guess i just stopped worrying so much-- at least about the big stuff. Now it just seems my thoughts are consumed by what seems infantile compared to everything else im going through. and i can sum it up in one small sentance.
I like Boys Alot.
there i said it. and now we [meaning I] can deal with it. ok maybe not, but at least i can take this time to vent, persay. Im almost freaking 17 years old, a junior in high school and ive never had myself a real boyfriend. now this isnt such a huge thing, or really anything that i care a whole lot about but it is something that i think about, as do im sure all the other girls who are in the same position. i guess i just dont get it. I see girls that are utterly amazing- smart, beautiful, sold out to God and all around awesome women, and yet they dont have themselves a gentlemen caller. Now Im not throwing myself completely into that same catagory, but it doesnt make sense. WHy do the girls that are the "bad girls" my parents told me to stay away from have the boys? how come us "nice girls" cant get a "nice guy." i d0nt get it.
perhaps my father's right, God is just protecting me from the heathens and preparing me for something greater. who know's. all i know is that im getting impatient. and yet, i dont want to stray away from God's plan for my life. oh well, i suppose my theory one whatever happens, happens will just have to be sufficient. Who cares in prolonging this confusion? I dont know. and yet there it is.... still just as confusing as ever.
I like Boys Alot.
there i said it. and now we [meaning I] can deal with it. ok maybe not, but at least i can take this time to vent, persay. Im almost freaking 17 years old, a junior in high school and ive never had myself a real boyfriend. now this isnt such a huge thing, or really anything that i care a whole lot about but it is something that i think about, as do im sure all the other girls who are in the same position. i guess i just dont get it. I see girls that are utterly amazing- smart, beautiful, sold out to God and all around awesome women, and yet they dont have themselves a gentlemen caller. Now Im not throwing myself completely into that same catagory, but it doesnt make sense. WHy do the girls that are the "bad girls" my parents told me to stay away from have the boys? how come us "nice girls" cant get a "nice guy." i d0nt get it.
perhaps my father's right, God is just protecting me from the heathens and preparing me for something greater. who know's. all i know is that im getting impatient. and yet, i dont want to stray away from God's plan for my life. oh well, i suppose my theory one whatever happens, happens will just have to be sufficient. Who cares in prolonging this confusion? I dont know. and yet there it is.... still just as confusing as ever.
Sunday, December 3, 2006
Control, its what i do.
Control. i struggle with this ALOT. Control freak Crystal, as my sister likes to call it. The idea of being in control of my life powers me, it shapes who I am. I like to drive because it means i can rely on MYSELF to get to where i need to be, when i need to be. I like to read because I can figure things out for myself. I like my job at Kroger because it means that I am the one in charge, I'e the one ficing the problems when they occur. I realized all this and got shockingly scared.
I realized lately that i have a problem dealing with situations that i absolutely cannot control. And this sis because for my entire life i have been in control, and if i wasnt in control, it wasnt very long until i got in control. but now, now im facing a point in my life where even if i wanted to be in control, i cant, because allthough the situation effects me entirely, i have NOTHING to do with it. I cannot look at my parents, decifer the problem and put the crumbled foundation of their relationship back together. i cant, because it doenst involve me. I am NOT in control. yikes.
But this is where the contradiciton and the complexities of Crystal occurs. I dont WANT to be in control. I want the control to be in God's hands. i mean its like choosing betweena senior in high school take the SAT or letting a 3 year-old take it for the senior. It should be a no brainer to let God be in control of my life, allowing Him to work and move in my life, letting Him deal with the problems and choices of the people around me, instead of me. He is the senior, I am the 3-year-old. But for some reason, i just keep taking that control back. Even when i know its no good.
I dont want to be dealing with all of the **four-letter-word-that-shall-not-be-spoken** that is occuring in my life right now, but i am. And God is putting me through this right now because He has a better plan than I. And His plan will be put to action. with or without my help. SO perhaps He is putting me through the Fire to make me stronger, or perhaps to cause me to rely on Him more, or perhaps it is simply to show me that I cant do it alone. who knows? He does, and one day I will too. It just may not be this side of Heaven.
I realized lately that i have a problem dealing with situations that i absolutely cannot control. And this sis because for my entire life i have been in control, and if i wasnt in control, it wasnt very long until i got in control. but now, now im facing a point in my life where even if i wanted to be in control, i cant, because allthough the situation effects me entirely, i have NOTHING to do with it. I cannot look at my parents, decifer the problem and put the crumbled foundation of their relationship back together. i cant, because it doenst involve me. I am NOT in control. yikes.
But this is where the contradiciton and the complexities of Crystal occurs. I dont WANT to be in control. I want the control to be in God's hands. i mean its like choosing betweena senior in high school take the SAT or letting a 3 year-old take it for the senior. It should be a no brainer to let God be in control of my life, allowing Him to work and move in my life, letting Him deal with the problems and choices of the people around me, instead of me. He is the senior, I am the 3-year-old. But for some reason, i just keep taking that control back. Even when i know its no good.
I dont want to be dealing with all of the **four-letter-word-that-shall-not-be-spoken** that is occuring in my life right now, but i am. And God is putting me through this right now because He has a better plan than I. And His plan will be put to action. with or without my help. SO perhaps He is putting me through the Fire to make me stronger, or perhaps to cause me to rely on Him more, or perhaps it is simply to show me that I cant do it alone. who knows? He does, and one day I will too. It just may not be this side of Heaven.
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