Exhausted

I'm always emotiolly exhausted after days like today. it was an ok day, feild trip to see an ok play, ok pizza for lunch, and ok stroll around the Marietta Square, ok bus ride home, ok rehersal etc. nothing really exciting happened and nothing extremely bad happened. the day just was. my sisters and i went to my dad's/grandparents house for birthday celebrations and what have you and it was enjoyable. i was able to write a paper while being with my dad and sisters (and of course my onrey grandpa... but i love him). We laughed alot, which is not something strange or new.... we always have a good time together, the 6 of us. It seems that when were with dad and the gparents my sisters and i tolerate each other more, or atleast dont want to kill each other. we smile more, andi hear more about my sisters lives in those 2 hours than i do in 2 weeks. i love it. but then the inevitable always comes... leaving

we pack up whatever we brought with us to work on or do while we are there with dad, say goodbye and leave. its awful. we drive for a few minutes in silence, and then like clock work, i crank the radio and we rock. all 4 windows down, singing at the top of our lungs. its like emotional release for us, and unwinding. and yet i never fully unwind. i always end up thinking, remembering.

going to the grandparents house was always a sunday afternoon thing. go over for lunch, watch whatever sport was on that day, and crash untill dinner time. then we'd eat the left overs and head home. all 5 of us. the meal was much like the one we had tonight. laughter, jokes, stories. it was always so happy. and my mom was there. Not the person who is my mother now, but my mom. the real one.

she wasnt ever like this. she was around. she cooked. i told her things and trusted her with everything. i told her things i never would have told anyone else. she was my best friend. now i feel like i barely know her. and she's right here. stop trying so hard mom. just be yourself. loosen up, enjoy life. but dont forget who you are. dont forget us. I want to scream and just give her a piece of my mind, but i cant. i cant screw my sisters over like that. i have to wait. i have to be strong. i dont have a choice.

ever wish you could just go back? back to where i dont know. just back. i do. everyday i do.
sometimes im just too narcisstic.

I jump, you think

Tonight i walked in the rain, for about 40 minutes, alone. Which probably wasnt very smart seeing as im still kinda sick, and the dampness that comes from the rain isnt very good for the imune system. But I did it, and i must say it was relaxing. I was able to talk to a dear friend about some issues ive been having these past few days, and they gave me their opinion, and i value that. But as they talked i realized something.

I am an emotional girl.

Shocking i know. But come on, lets face it. Im 17, hormonal, crazy, complex, filled with issues and im fiercely independant. Put all these things together and your bound to have some slightly twisted emotions. Alot of time i make choices based on how i feel at that moment, and then i walk away and the feeling changes, yet im left with the before mention decision. And then, what do i have to do? Go and fix that which i did before. ANd alot of times it includes eating my words and even sometimes hurting people. Like myself.

i dont always think before i speak, or act for that matter. i just do. spontinaity is alluring, or so i hear. but this always seems to come back and get me. Why cant i just wait and let God do his thing FIRST. not jump in and then have the God lesson be taught. I have such a desire to learn and grow, and i just cant seem to get it right. Meaning i dont take the time to learn and grow. I expect it to just be poured into my head and my heart and that ill just live it. too bad it doesnt work that way. Im a nut case. i should be sent to the psych ward. too many issues, not enough battery charge on the mac.

I have the worst timing in the world. i should get an award.

Carpe Eternum

Tonight, on the way home from Megan Strange's house, i ran over a squirrel, i scram, very loud, though no one could hear me, and the squirrel died. i didnt cry. A year and a half ago, my great grandma Nesbitt died. She was close to 90, and fell asleep. i teared up but didnt cry. i loved my grandma, but she had lived a great life,a dn was ready to go. In december a childhood friend of mine died. She went in for an emergancy apendicitis, and the Doctor sliced her aorta. I cried for a few minutes. i hadnt seen her in years, and she died in china while serving her Mighty God. Last night Ross died. He died in his sleep at a party. I cried, very hard. For reasons beyond me.

I was never very good friends with Ross. We went to middle school together and had maybe one or two classes together. All i really knew about him was that he loved his mom and played a mean game of baseball. I knew he was unhappy. I remember in 8th grade, Keri and i went to every middle school baseball game and we cheered every guy on. Of course we had out favorties but every guy got cheered for. When Ross was at the plate Keri would scream "Ross!" and i followed close behind with "Coe" (Rosscoe was his full name). We made posters and his name was in green. Because i thought he needed a happy color, because he was unhappy.

the last time i saw Ross was at my Kroger. It was close to quitting time and he came in with 3 of his friends and they got some food and drinks and came through my line. I remember recognizing him and knowing exactally who he was. memories always come rushing back to me when i see people i havent seen in a while and the memories came that night. It was an odd experience, because i had full knowledge of who he was, and yet he didnt know who i was. His friends flirted, and i played the part of a good cashier. I watched him walk away and knew he wasnt happy. His eyes. they were so sad.

Tonight at the Bible study, Jessie mentioned "storing up treasures in heaven, instead of on earth" because that which is here is fleeting and it fades away, whereas the treasures in heaven are for eternity. And it made me think. We are not here for long. In the grand scheme of things, the 80 years we could spend here are a dot compared to the life we will live either in heaven or hell for eternity. Life is so fleeting. I have seen 2 kids my age die in the past 3 months and i wonder who is next? Who will God want to bring home next? Whose time is up? i know its morbid, but its so true. In God's time he will take us home. Cherish the moments, but dont live for the day. Seize not the day, but eternity. Carpe eternum. why live for th fleeting when you can live for that which never changes.

i wonder why ross was so sad. ill wonder what caused the sadness. he was too young to be that sad and bitter. Did he know he was loved? i certainly hope so. Of course On another side, life is also ever new. My sunday school teacher had a baby 2 weeks ago. My cousin just turned 3. Britt will be 15 next month. and my Maw Maw will be 94 in 3 weeks. Life is still going on, even admist the pain.

Rosscoe Lamar Tinsley.
"May the Lord bless you and keep you, may the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you, and give you peace." Numbers 6: 24-26

Valentines....

I hate Valentines Day.

I always have. From when i was in elementary school and we had to make "valentine mailboxes" and give valetines to everybody in the class to middle school when everybody sent those stinkin carnations to all your friends and i never got any and now i hate valentines because of the very fact i dont have a valentine and its just dumb.

Love. it comes in three different forms. Philia, Eros and Agape. Philia is that of a brotherly love, a friendship. Philedelphia if you will. Eros is that of a passionate, romanitc love-- the way a man loves his wife. Agape, the unconditional never changing love. The Philia love i have in surplus. I have quite possibly the best friends in the world, a precious (though all-bit dissfunctional) family, and the most incredible mentors. But i lack the eros love. that romantic love. I dont have a boyfriend. and i havent had one, But you know what, its ok. Cause there is something that i do have--Agape Love.

Though i dont have that earthly love that i so desire, i have alove more precious and incredible than any other. I have a redeeming love, a saving grace. I have a Heavenly Father who loves me for who i am. He loves me even admist my sin. Even when i screw up over and over and over again, my God still loves me. And that will never chnge. HIs love is constant and perfect and completely undeserved. But he loves me.

So im missing that Eros love.... one day it will come. and until then i will cherish those that love me Philia and and the One who loves me Agape. He sent me a valentine... Jesus Christ, his son. to die for me and my sins. For that i love him and live for him alone.

But i still hate valentines.... just maybe not as much... ;-]

How Long, O Lord?

"How long, O Lord? will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts?
and everyday have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes or i will sleep in death.
my enemy will say, 'i have overcome him'
and my fores will rejoice when i fall..."
Psalm 13:1-4

Though these are the words of the mighty King David, i borrowed them because lately i have felt this way in my life. I have asked God the question: "How Long?". How long am i supposed to suffer and be sad? How long do i have to mour? How Long until the hurt goes away? Or How long until the respect i desire is gained? How long until people understand? How long must i wait for the answers i so desire?

I whine alot. i do, and I admit it. Though i hate that i do, because i hate whiners. I think its pretty childish and immature, and i like to think of myself as slighty above childish and a little more mature than that of whiners. And yet i seem to do that which i dont like alot. Which makes me even more aggervated. And i think that it makes me aggervated is because i am quite prideful, and i like to think of myself as the girl that can handle anything... which i definately not the case. In fact, im fairly weak. And by whining and complaining i think it makes me just that much weaker. I dont want to be weak. I WANT to be strong and tough and ready to take on the world. But im not.

For a long time i thought that, being strong and tough is what God commanded from me. That he wanted me to be this great wall of support for my sisters and my parents and friends. I thought he wanted me to be able to do all of that and still maintain that of a life style of a slightly less insane individual. And i still think he has, i think he has placed me in a postion where i can be a support system for my friends and family... but only with his help.

See what i thought i couldnt do was go to God and ask him the questions that plague my heart and mind constantly. i thought that by saying those things that i was showing my distrust or my incompetance, and the last thing i wanted was to be unable to be used by God. But i was so wrong.

Because im a good Baptist girl, i go to Sunday School, and today we studied Pslam 13 and the cry of David's heart. And here he is, this strong and mighty king, and man after God's own heart, crying out to God saying "how long". And i realized, David loved God with all of his heart and mind and soul, and he lived for him daily, and yes he did have his mistakes and mess ups becasue he was human, but to the best of his ability he served and followed God. And yet, he still questioned the extent of his sufferings.

Im not saying that me and King David are one and the same, cause well... put us on trial and im sure he'd win. But if even he questioned God, then i can too. What i learned is that God knows my heart. He knows that i struggle and suffer, and that i dont always feel competant for the job that i feel he has called me to do, and yet he still puts me in positons to do that which i feel i am not good at. What i learned is that Trusting God with my worries and questions is what he wants me to do, i just also need ot trust him to do what he has planned for my life.

It seems, that trust is that which God is teaching me about most right now. And ultimatly i must trust in God and i trust in his plan. Though my answers dont always come, or not in the way and matter that i would want them to come, they will come and God's unfailing love will never change for me.

"...BUT I trust in your unfailing Love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for HE has been good to me."
Psalm 13:5-6

Hope and Great Expectations

Does Hope entail Expectations?

We were talking in sunday school today anbout Psalms 109 and the emotions and feelings that King David was dealing with when we stumbled upon a question: Does Hope require expectations? or can you be hopeful without any expectations? and better yet can you have expectations without any hope? its mind boggling to think about. When you are hopeful, you expect something to happen, even if what happens doesnt align with you want. example: I want to be cast as Juliette in Romeo and Juliette. i hope that i will be casted and i expect that someone will be casted as Juliette. Hope and Expectations. Now the part of Juliette may go to Julia ROberts, but that is still a reponse to what i wanted. My expectations were met: someone was casted, but my hopes were not: i didnt get the part. The question on the table is how do we tell the difference between the 2? And if they are 2 different things then can we have one without the other? And if we cant then why do we differentiate the 2? Its been plauging my mind all day, and im sure it will continue, at least until im statisfied with an answer. :-]

Merry Christmas? and a Happy New Year??

Christmas has for a long time, my life basically, been one of my favorite times of the year. Not just for the presents and for the trees and the holiday hype Hallmark came up with (even though that stuff is fun in itself.) but it was always a time, that no matter what, my family threw out all of the crap that was going on in our lives and just relaxed, we had fun, ate food, laughed and enjoyed each others company. it was indeed a holly jolly time in the Nesbitt household. But this Christmas was... strange.

with everything that has been going on lately, i was bound to cry at some point. it was hard, leaving Christmas morning with my sisters and my PIMP ride loaded with our "overnight bags" to go spend the night with my dad. it was hard knowing the food she was cooking wasnt for our Christmas dinner, but for the Christmas dinner she was going to enjoy with her friends or whoever. Yes Christmas was wonderful, and i love my cousins and my grandparents and my dad, but something was off this year. Mom and Dad arent together anymore. the life of being one of the "divorcee kids" begins now.

As of January 1st, 2007, all my dad has to do is sign a paper that completely nullifys what would be 20 years of marriage (on jan 17th no less...). i used to pity those whos life was weekend to weekend switching between parents and now, look here i am. i come home wondering if i need to pack for the night at dad's or if i get to stay at my house. i wish i could describe the feelings i, er, feel. but i cant. and actually i dont think you want to know. lets just say it sucks. ALOT. i hate it alot, but there isnt anything i can do. get me through this hell of a a year and 1/2 and then im out. please dear God, get me through this...